Finding God again...

This post isn't meant to be long, but if you read it, please don't judge me ok? I've never been very religious. If you are, please don't judge me. If not, if a post like this is a turn off and you think I'm a weirdo for it, please just turn around and go away now please.

For a long time, my only concern was my life. I grew up in a Catholic environment. Going to church, attended a Catholic school, everything. But I lost sight of God at some point. I became caught up in school and drama, friends and all that.

I felt like I turned my back on him. Yeah, I admit that's what it felt like I did. I'm ashamed of it, I may not be religious in the sense that I go to church regularly or anything. But I do love my God. I do believe in him. I do pray.

I lost my connection with him and it was bad. Tonight, I felt like I really needed him. To pray for someone other than myself, for reasons out of my physical hands.

I cried tonight. I cried and actually sobbed.

What if God didn't want me back? I'm just a lost child that turned his back on him, why would he want an ingrate like me back? There are so many good-hearted people on this planet that he would be proud to call his creations. Who the hell am I? Some insignificant speck that forgot about God, why would he want me back? He could have forgotten about me like I forgot about him. He could have turned his back on me like I did on him.

I cried because I needed him to hear my prayers, to hear my cry for help for someone other than my own selfish needs for once. But what if he didn't hear me? What if he didn't want to listen to me? What if looked on me with disgust and disdain rather than love and mercy?

What if he didn't want his ungrateful, useless son back?

I cried because I felt it was a very possible thing for me. What if God didn't love me anymore?

I prayed and I hope God heard me. I know I've been a crap child of God, but I hope he hasn't forsaken me. I feel like a son crawling back to his dad and begging for forgiveness.

I want to beg for forgiveness, I want my Father's love again. I want to be able to make the sign of the cross and pray like I used to and feel loved again and that my prayers are heard.

I'm so afraid God has forgotten me or doesn't want me anymore, like so many others. Someone dear to me reminded me that God is forgiving and loving if anything.

I hope she is right. Cuz right now I miss feeling like someone is watching over me.

After sobbing, I looked up. To the side of my TV, was the angel the was meant to on top of the tree during Christmas. Both corners of my TV had angels pasted on it too. On my store room door was another. And three more hung on the entrance to my kitchen. I kinda of realized then that He was watching over me. I just never knew. I had angels everywhere keeping me safe and I just never knew...

And not every angel in my house has wings and a halo. Not every angel in my life does either. I realized, sometimes the angels you feel watching over you aren't always invisible beings looking over your shoulder.

Sometimes, they are the annoying people that nag and scream at you every day, because they love you.
Sometimes they are the weirdo friend that keeps you from doing stupid things and they care about you even though they have a funny way of showing it.
Sometimes, they are the oddball friend that still loves you and accepts you unconditionally even though you don't see eye to eye ever.
Sometimes, they are the bunch of retards you love and you don't know why. But they have your back come Hell or high waters.

Angels come in many forms. Sometimes they are celestial beings with wings and halos. Sometimes they are just the people you love in your life, in jeans and t-shirts. God has been watching over me after all. I just never noticed.

I hope God hears my prayers for you. I hope you find what you lost and find your way to heaven...

I hope you find what was lost and find your way to heaven...

The Prodigal Son, begging for forgiveness from his father. I felt like this tonight.