I'm sorry...

This picture says so much of what I feel...

I met a real hero...

Recently, I began to talk to someone on Twitter.

Hearing about her past and her problems makes me ashamed of my own problems.

She has an uneasy past, multiple problems and her days are spent in pain. But I can't help admiring her. Despite all the times she's been knocked down, she has gotten up every single time. And I think she is so strong. Brave, strong and just plain amazing, for what she does. Not only does she keep fighting every day, but she helps encourage others along the way. It makes my problems seem so insignificant and petty, I feel like such a whiny ingrate for complaining and getting upset over such matters when she is someone with real problems and she carries herself so much better than I do. She is a real hero. She is strong, brave and despite being through so much, finds in it herself to help others facing similar problems. I won't reveal too much because it is not my place to say any of it. But what I can say is that I admire this girl so much for having the strength to carry on despite everything.

Em, if you're reading this, I don't know if you read my blog, I mean it is there on my twitter profile, I just want to say that you're amazing. You're a real inspiration to me, and I bet you would be to a lot of people if you let them hear your story. In spite of everything, you're still helpful, kind with your words, friendly and all in all a great person. I'm always here if you need me and if anyone hasn't said it, I will. I'm so glad you're still here today :)

Never give up hope. Hope for a brighter future and a better tomorrow.

For anyone that needs it

Fallen Angels

Fallen Angels. Not demons, just brilliant beings with a lot of regrets.

I've always had some... affinity for these beings. I don't know why. I always believed myself a good person, but lately I've begun to question that. Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. But I digress. Lately, I've been a lot darker and a lot less happy than before. I can understand how a fallen angel feels, cuz I feel like one right now. I was so much better in the past. A lot happier, a lot stronger, a lot brighter, a lot more everything.

I'm darker now. Angrier, sadder, always doubting myself. I always put myself down, think of myself as practically worthless and absolutely useless.

Unwanted, a burden, despised and disliked, hated even. Not just by anyone, but by everyone. Even friends. I feel like I'm a burden. Dead weight that they would be happier and lighter and better off without. Without me in their lives...

I feel like a fallen angel.

This picture says a lot. I just... I don't even know why, but I can feel the pain and regret in it.

Maybe I can find my redemption some day?

Or maybe I've become the demon I've been fighting all this time?

I honestly don't know who I really am anymore.

Running

I just want to run. Run away from everything.

Run away from the responsibilities.
Run away from the changes.
Run away from the depressing cloud hanging over my head.
Run away from the negativity that seems to find me everywhere I go.

Run away from my past.
Run away from my mistakes.
Run away from my failures.

Run away from my friends, they don't deserve to see me like this. Feeling weak and helpless, trapped in a darkness I can't pull myself out of. Angry, frustrated, a total failure and a shell of my former self. They don't deserve to see all this. They really don't. They deserve the me that I used to be. Strong, positive, confident, still not bright or talented but at least I had the right attitude and that was enough to pull me through most things.

All I see now when I look in the mirror is a mistake. A screw up who makes all the wrong choices and can't deal with it now.

I say I wanna run to see who would follow me, the truth is I KNOW no one would follow me, so I just want to run so I can sit in a dark corner and not be a bother to everyone around me. I know I can't do anything right, I know I can never be good enough to achieve anything above the bare minimum, sometimes not even then. Please just stop rubbing it in that I'm an utter failure and will probably never amount to anything.

I say I want to be a military man, but I doubt I'll ever be good enough for any position that will let me lead a comfortable life. I'm too stupid to be a proper engineer. I'm a mediocre writer at most, no one will ever hire me for my writing. I can't act for nuts. So what do I have left? What do I have to offer the world?

No talents, no intellect, no physique. I have just about nothing to look forward to in life.

Name one thing, just one reason why I shouldn't just run. Give me one reason that is worth staying for.

If anyone can name one reason that is good enough for me to stay, I will.

CW Journal 3 - Love

Yeah, I know. I wrote a journal about love. What the actual duck right?

I told you guys I'd be omitting the third journal from my blog because it contained some really personal and sensitive stuff that only someone that is really close to me should ever read. The only reason I'm letting my tutor read it is because I know what I write is real. It carries meaning. I have plenty to write about it too. I know she won't show it to my class or anything, so I have no qualms letting her read about these things.

I felt a need to justify omitting this journal, I felt you guys should know why I'm not letting it go public.

Things in that part of my life have always been in tatters and no one person has ever had a full account of what happens in that part of my life. No one but me. I've never told anyone the full story. I've always filled gaps in with little lies, left out big portions of the story, totally omitted entire  days and even people. It's a part of my life that I don't want a lot of people to know about, plain and simple.

It's not a happy part of my life either, I'll put it that way. It has NEVER ended well for me, probably never will either. But that's beside the point.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I suppose I felt I owe you guys an apology for not posting it. Anyways, maybe in time. But for now, I remain mute on this subject.