I've changed...

In my previous post, I said that I had changed.

It took a phone call from an old friend to really make me take a look back and see how much changed.

I have. As a person, I mean.

Before, I used to be happier and less self absorbed. Over time, I became darker, more caught up in my problems. I began neglecting my friends, I still do.

 I miss the old me. A lot. I want to be him again. People loved 16 year old me. I was charismatic, I didn't have this stupid stammer, I was a confident speaker, a capable leader, a good friend too.

Now, I'm none of those things I think. Well, I grew in other ways. I became quieter, more cautious, a bit more caring and a better listener. I became a lot more patient. But I miss the old me.

I started looking into other avenues of careers. Maybe not so lucrative. More on the side of helping people. I have little care for big paychecks, I just want enough to be comfortable, have a safe amount in my bank and a home I can be proud of, no matter how humble my abode is. I want a career where I help people. Where I can be happy doing what I do. In my youth, I looked at jobs with a fat paycheck and nice suits, but I despise the idea of doing something like that if I wake up every morning hating my job.

So I started helping people. I started talking to them. I found I have an affinity for counselling and helping people. Maybe? I know not. But I know I want to help people.

I still have problems, lots of them. I have way too much going on, I wish I could apologize enough to all my friends who I let down and drift from in my course of trying to keep myself together. I really am sorry. Maybe you guys will understand, maybe you won't. But I am sorry for not being a better friend like I once was.

I wish I could bring him back for all your sakes. But I can't. I feel like a failure as a friend, I do. But I try. I really do.

I'm so sorry.