Valentines and Relationships

Well I haven't posted in a while, now have I?

Firstly I'd like to wish the few people that view this blog a very happy Valentine's Day. May it be a helluva lot better than mine is. I truly hope you readers out there can spend it with someone, as opposed to me rushing work and playing video games cuz I'm a lonely bastard.

Now I came to a realization just this morning.
Like most people, I'd like a relationship. I'd like to not be this lonely, especially on a day like Valentine's Day, where every happy couple is out and about being happy and I'm sitting in a secluded corner thinking "Well, maybe next year..." every year.

But this morning, I came to the realization that maybe... maybe I'm not ready for one.

Think about it, I'm insecure and I can sometimes get too attached to a person too fast because of it.
I'm annoying. That's pretty self-explanatory.
I'm weird and awkward. I honestly think that is the biggest reason why people don't really like me and why I don't get along with people.

I honestly hate that I'm so unstable, I wish I was ready for a relationship cuz that's what I really want.

But I'm not.

I'm not ready for it. Plain and simple.

I honestly don't think I could make anyone happy. I'm too caught up in hating myself to love someone else anyways. I'm an ugly and annoying dipshit anyways.

So happy Valentine's Day to all you happy couples, and to the single people like me, maybe you'll get lucky next year :)

I'm sorry...

This picture says so much of what I feel...

I met a real hero...

Recently, I began to talk to someone on Twitter.

Hearing about her past and her problems makes me ashamed of my own problems.

She has an uneasy past, multiple problems and her days are spent in pain. But I can't help admiring her. Despite all the times she's been knocked down, she has gotten up every single time. And I think she is so strong. Brave, strong and just plain amazing, for what she does. Not only does she keep fighting every day, but she helps encourage others along the way. It makes my problems seem so insignificant and petty, I feel like such a whiny ingrate for complaining and getting upset over such matters when she is someone with real problems and she carries herself so much better than I do. She is a real hero. She is strong, brave and despite being through so much, finds in it herself to help others facing similar problems. I won't reveal too much because it is not my place to say any of it. But what I can say is that I admire this girl so much for having the strength to carry on despite everything.

Em, if you're reading this, I don't know if you read my blog, I mean it is there on my twitter profile, I just want to say that you're amazing. You're a real inspiration to me, and I bet you would be to a lot of people if you let them hear your story. In spite of everything, you're still helpful, kind with your words, friendly and all in all a great person. I'm always here if you need me and if anyone hasn't said it, I will. I'm so glad you're still here today :)

Never give up hope. Hope for a brighter future and a better tomorrow.

For anyone that needs it

Fallen Angels

Fallen Angels. Not demons, just brilliant beings with a lot of regrets.

I've always had some... affinity for these beings. I don't know why. I always believed myself a good person, but lately I've begun to question that. Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. But I digress. Lately, I've been a lot darker and a lot less happy than before. I can understand how a fallen angel feels, cuz I feel like one right now. I was so much better in the past. A lot happier, a lot stronger, a lot brighter, a lot more everything.

I'm darker now. Angrier, sadder, always doubting myself. I always put myself down, think of myself as practically worthless and absolutely useless.

Unwanted, a burden, despised and disliked, hated even. Not just by anyone, but by everyone. Even friends. I feel like I'm a burden. Dead weight that they would be happier and lighter and better off without. Without me in their lives...

I feel like a fallen angel.

This picture says a lot. I just... I don't even know why, but I can feel the pain and regret in it.

Maybe I can find my redemption some day?

Or maybe I've become the demon I've been fighting all this time?

I honestly don't know who I really am anymore.

Running

I just want to run. Run away from everything.

Run away from the responsibilities.
Run away from the changes.
Run away from the depressing cloud hanging over my head.
Run away from the negativity that seems to find me everywhere I go.

Run away from my past.
Run away from my mistakes.
Run away from my failures.

Run away from my friends, they don't deserve to see me like this. Feeling weak and helpless, trapped in a darkness I can't pull myself out of. Angry, frustrated, a total failure and a shell of my former self. They don't deserve to see all this. They really don't. They deserve the me that I used to be. Strong, positive, confident, still not bright or talented but at least I had the right attitude and that was enough to pull me through most things.

All I see now when I look in the mirror is a mistake. A screw up who makes all the wrong choices and can't deal with it now.

I say I wanna run to see who would follow me, the truth is I KNOW no one would follow me, so I just want to run so I can sit in a dark corner and not be a bother to everyone around me. I know I can't do anything right, I know I can never be good enough to achieve anything above the bare minimum, sometimes not even then. Please just stop rubbing it in that I'm an utter failure and will probably never amount to anything.

I say I want to be a military man, but I doubt I'll ever be good enough for any position that will let me lead a comfortable life. I'm too stupid to be a proper engineer. I'm a mediocre writer at most, no one will ever hire me for my writing. I can't act for nuts. So what do I have left? What do I have to offer the world?

No talents, no intellect, no physique. I have just about nothing to look forward to in life.

Name one thing, just one reason why I shouldn't just run. Give me one reason that is worth staying for.

If anyone can name one reason that is good enough for me to stay, I will.

CW Journal 3 - Love

Yeah, I know. I wrote a journal about love. What the actual duck right?

I told you guys I'd be omitting the third journal from my blog because it contained some really personal and sensitive stuff that only someone that is really close to me should ever read. The only reason I'm letting my tutor read it is because I know what I write is real. It carries meaning. I have plenty to write about it too. I know she won't show it to my class or anything, so I have no qualms letting her read about these things.

I felt a need to justify omitting this journal, I felt you guys should know why I'm not letting it go public.

Things in that part of my life have always been in tatters and no one person has ever had a full account of what happens in that part of my life. No one but me. I've never told anyone the full story. I've always filled gaps in with little lies, left out big portions of the story, totally omitted entire  days and even people. It's a part of my life that I don't want a lot of people to know about, plain and simple.

It's not a happy part of my life either, I'll put it that way. It has NEVER ended well for me, probably never will either. But that's beside the point.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I suppose I felt I owe you guys an apology for not posting it. Anyways, maybe in time. But for now, I remain mute on this subject.

Some thanks for a great year, with a better one ahead.

Well it's new years, everyone. So to any of my dear readers reading this on New Years, Happy New Year!

I'll admit, 2012 has been a year of big change for me. I grew a lot this year. A lot has changed in my life. I drifted from some friends, some friends left me completely, but I did grow closer to a lot of people and made a lot of new friends. I even reconnected with some old friends.

Most of you may know, it's been a rough year for me. I went and am still going through a lot. I've been through some very, very dark times and more are yet to come I think. But I'm thankful for all the friend's I've made that have been there for me, the guardian angels I've been blessed with in real life.

I'm so thankful for the Drama people. If any of you guys read this, I love you guys. I joined drama more or less by accident, but it was an accident I'd repeat again and again if I needed to. You guys are the people I look forward to seeing every week and the people I feel most at home with. I can't imagine school without you guys and I'm so thankful I came to help you guys with your scripts that one fine day.

I'm thankful for some of the people I've met and connected with on Twitter. I've made great friends over Twitter. I've never even met these people but I wish so badly I knew them in real life. Lobna, Noufey, Choi and Saf, I don't know if you read my blog or not but I really am thankful I got to know you and really wish I knew you in real life. Who knows, maybe someday I'll meet you in real life or something, but right now I'm just thankful I met you.

My bros. I know you guys don't read my blog, but all the same, thank you. Through thick and thin, I know I have you guys to watch my back. I know I've been so busy lately that I rarely get to see you all, but I want you guys to know that every time I say I can't meet you guys, I'm left sitting there wishing I could be with you all. I'd take a bullet for each of my bros and if the time ever called for it, I'd back you guys up right up to the end. To the Gates of Hell and back again.

To my dear friend that I've had a rough year with. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but on the whole, I'm so glad you were picked as my partner for that workshop. I know we've really drifted apart and at times you're cold to me as I am quite often a total prick to you. But I don't want that, I want to be close like before and hopefully you want that too. I genuinely am thankful I met you this year and can't imagine going back to the way life was before meeting you. You are still really important to me, and I hope you know I do still care. I'll be there for you, whether you want me to or not :)

To my best friend and neighbour. I have so many things to thank you for. Thank you for buying ice cream and hanging out with me at midnight when I was down and sad, thank you for keeping me company when I was all alone in school and had no one to hang out with. Thank you for teaching me so much about girls and how to deal with them and just being the best friend I could never have in secondary school coming from an all boy's school. I don't say this nearly enough, but you mean a lot to me and I'm so glad you're my best friend. Who would have thought that that fateful day where you were down because you had a falling out with your friends and somehow by chance met me on the bus would lead to such a great friendship? Regardless, I'm glad we're friends. So, so glad. I hope someday when I have kids-- IF I have kids, that you can be their godmother. I can't imagine someone I'd trust more as their awesome godmother. Try not to spoil my unborn kid(s) rotten please?

I have so many people I want to thank, I don't want to mention names here though. But if you have done something for me, you've listened to me at some point, you've befriended me or just asked what was wrong, even just once, I thank you. I am grateful to have you in my life, and I hope at some point in time, I get to express my gratitude in some way. Maybe it is returning the favour, maybe it's in some other form.

And ofcourse, I thank you, dear reader. I know few, if any people, read this blog. But if you do and actually enjoy listening to this grizzled old storyteller that sometimes sounds much older beyond his years gripe on in personal post after personal post and actually put up with it enough to enjoy my stories, then that is enough motivation for this old tale-spinner to carry on doing what he does best: Telling stories. It would be great if someone were to leave a comment or two, it does make a difference to know someone reads this blog and what they actually thought of the stories. Because as long as someone enjoys what I write, I will keep writing for you all.

And to the one loyal reader I have that I actually know of that reads this blog rather regularly, the Girl That Doesn't Belong, thank you too. I mention you specifically because you've been around literally since the beginning and have made me feel that this blog is reaching at least someone in this world. It may be a small thing to just post a comment on a story, but it is a big deal to me knowing I'm not talking to a wall.

I think it's about time I get to bed now, I've a lot to do soon. School is starting and that means deadlines and projects. I'm in for a busy year. Once again, thank you to you all for making my 2012 a great and memorable one, all things accounted for. Here's to a brighter future, and a better tomorrow. Have a great 2013, dear reader :)