A video that moved me - To This Day

This video was shown to me by one of my best friends, it is one powerful video. I could relate cuz I was there at some point.

To anyone who needed to hear it: THEY WERE WRONG. You are beautiful. You have the potential to be amazing, to change lives. You matter. You are important.

I am a massive fan of Doctor Who, and this quote probably saved my life.

"Nine hundred years of time and space, I've never met anyone who wasn't important."

It took me a long time to realise how true that was. And to this day, I tell myself this in the mirror every day before school.

Bullying ruins lives, you may not see how bad it gets. But is fun at the expense of others is worth making a child fear for their life, fear coming to school, affecting their studies and making their grades plunge and making them feel stupid?

Is it worth making a girl feel ugly and unloved? That because she isn't skin and bones or doesn't have a thigh gap, that she is fat? Is it worth making her starve herself for your sick idea of perfection? That she fears food?

Is it worth making the lonely quiet kid cut himself? Or burn himself? Or hit himself? To punish himself for a failing you have put on him? So every day he wears long sleeve shirts and jeans so no one can see that he hurts himself to make the pain inside go away. Pain you bullies have caused.

Is it worth making the troubled kid suicidal? Taunting her to "Go ahead, kill yourself." and saying "No one will miss you, we'll be better off.". And one day her best friend cleans her locker out,  crying as she glares at you saying "You did this to her."

"You ruined a family. A mother and father grieve as they bury their child. A brother or sister go into depression as the see their older sister's lifeless body in that coffin. How does it feel to be the reason someone is dead in this world?"

Bullying does so much more than you think. So stop. Leave the weird, quiet kid alone. Live your own life, stop making someone else's a living hell cuz yours isn't satisfactory or fulfilling.

And to kids who are bullied, speak up. It's easier said than done, but please. TELL someone. You have the potential for so much, don't let something like bullies keep you from it.

Remember, they were wrong.

You aren't fat.
You aren't stupid.
You aren't a failure.
You aren't a loser.
You aren't useless.

You matter.
You are important.
You are unique.
You are worth it.
You are you. The only you that will ever exist.
You have potential to change lives in some way.
You have a future worth sticking around for.
You deserve to live no less than anyone else.

Remember, it's ok not to be perfect. They were wrong.

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,
Get a better mirror.
Look a little closer.
Stare a little longer.
Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying even when everyone told you to quit.

One Day Too Late

I found this song by one of my favourite bands. It's too perfect for words to describe how I came across this song tonight of all nights when I want my own thoughts and my thoughts alone. I said I changed a lot, this song became more relative to my life than I care to admit on this blog. It is a wonderful song and it is a good reminder to me about why I do what I do now.

Do what you want to, what you have to do. Because tomorrow could be One Day Too Late. You will never know how much those four words struck me.

I've changed...

In my previous post, I said that I had changed.

It took a phone call from an old friend to really make me take a look back and see how much changed.

I have. As a person, I mean.

Before, I used to be happier and less self absorbed. Over time, I became darker, more caught up in my problems. I began neglecting my friends, I still do.

 I miss the old me. A lot. I want to be him again. People loved 16 year old me. I was charismatic, I didn't have this stupid stammer, I was a confident speaker, a capable leader, a good friend too.

Now, I'm none of those things I think. Well, I grew in other ways. I became quieter, more cautious, a bit more caring and a better listener. I became a lot more patient. But I miss the old me.

I started looking into other avenues of careers. Maybe not so lucrative. More on the side of helping people. I have little care for big paychecks, I just want enough to be comfortable, have a safe amount in my bank and a home I can be proud of, no matter how humble my abode is. I want a career where I help people. Where I can be happy doing what I do. In my youth, I looked at jobs with a fat paycheck and nice suits, but I despise the idea of doing something like that if I wake up every morning hating my job.

So I started helping people. I started talking to them. I found I have an affinity for counselling and helping people. Maybe? I know not. But I know I want to help people.

I still have problems, lots of them. I have way too much going on, I wish I could apologize enough to all my friends who I let down and drift from in my course of trying to keep myself together. I really am sorry. Maybe you guys will understand, maybe you won't. But I am sorry for not being a better friend like I once was.

I wish I could bring him back for all your sakes. But I can't. I feel like a failure as a friend, I do. But I try. I really do.

I'm so sorry.

So much has changed...

Hey guys. Or whoever still stalks this place, hoping there's a new post. I haven't touched this place in ages, sorry.

The reason why is, well. A lot has changed.

First off, well I'm doing my major project. Yeah, school stuff, boring, I know. I'm in my final year now, so I'll be graduating soon.

Next, I have a girlfriend. Yup, holy shit right? She is beautiful, and amazing, and lovely and she actually loves me back. So I am actually a lot happier in general. I still know I'm not ready for a relationship. But hey, it's a learning experience ;)

Next, and I hope you people will look forward to these stories:

The Family

A family house becomes a home for troubled teens, eventually they become a family.

I've been helping a lot of people online recently, we always have this idea of taking all of the depressed people, the suicidal ones, self harmers, ED girls and boys, and putting them in one place. They actually want that. Society puts a stigma on them, on us, and we are ostracised because they don't understand us. So imagine that, a place where people have been through all this. We understand. We can help. That's what the Family is for. To help people like us. Run by someone who was once like us, for people like us. I think it has potential :)

Another story, my depressed superhero story. It's still a very rough idea. But it's basically to give people with depression someone to look up to as a hero. Someone who goes through what they do. It's still in it's conception so I'll have more to say on it later.

Well, its late and I have shit to do tomorrow, I'll be back soon. Don't worry, I have not given up on all my older stories. You will hear from them soon enough.

The Fragmented Storyteller has come back with more tales to weave and legends to be written.

Finding God again...

This post isn't meant to be long, but if you read it, please don't judge me ok? I've never been very religious. If you are, please don't judge me. If not, if a post like this is a turn off and you think I'm a weirdo for it, please just turn around and go away now please.

For a long time, my only concern was my life. I grew up in a Catholic environment. Going to church, attended a Catholic school, everything. But I lost sight of God at some point. I became caught up in school and drama, friends and all that.

I felt like I turned my back on him. Yeah, I admit that's what it felt like I did. I'm ashamed of it, I may not be religious in the sense that I go to church regularly or anything. But I do love my God. I do believe in him. I do pray.

I lost my connection with him and it was bad. Tonight, I felt like I really needed him. To pray for someone other than myself, for reasons out of my physical hands.

I cried tonight. I cried and actually sobbed.

What if God didn't want me back? I'm just a lost child that turned his back on him, why would he want an ingrate like me back? There are so many good-hearted people on this planet that he would be proud to call his creations. Who the hell am I? Some insignificant speck that forgot about God, why would he want me back? He could have forgotten about me like I forgot about him. He could have turned his back on me like I did on him.

I cried because I needed him to hear my prayers, to hear my cry for help for someone other than my own selfish needs for once. But what if he didn't hear me? What if he didn't want to listen to me? What if looked on me with disgust and disdain rather than love and mercy?

What if he didn't want his ungrateful, useless son back?

I cried because I felt it was a very possible thing for me. What if God didn't love me anymore?

I prayed and I hope God heard me. I know I've been a crap child of God, but I hope he hasn't forsaken me. I feel like a son crawling back to his dad and begging for forgiveness.

I want to beg for forgiveness, I want my Father's love again. I want to be able to make the sign of the cross and pray like I used to and feel loved again and that my prayers are heard.

I'm so afraid God has forgotten me or doesn't want me anymore, like so many others. Someone dear to me reminded me that God is forgiving and loving if anything.

I hope she is right. Cuz right now I miss feeling like someone is watching over me.

After sobbing, I looked up. To the side of my TV, was the angel the was meant to on top of the tree during Christmas. Both corners of my TV had angels pasted on it too. On my store room door was another. And three more hung on the entrance to my kitchen. I kinda of realized then that He was watching over me. I just never knew. I had angels everywhere keeping me safe and I just never knew...

And not every angel in my house has wings and a halo. Not every angel in my life does either. I realized, sometimes the angels you feel watching over you aren't always invisible beings looking over your shoulder.

Sometimes, they are the annoying people that nag and scream at you every day, because they love you.
Sometimes they are the weirdo friend that keeps you from doing stupid things and they care about you even though they have a funny way of showing it.
Sometimes, they are the oddball friend that still loves you and accepts you unconditionally even though you don't see eye to eye ever.
Sometimes, they are the bunch of retards you love and you don't know why. But they have your back come Hell or high waters.

Angels come in many forms. Sometimes they are celestial beings with wings and halos. Sometimes they are just the people you love in your life, in jeans and t-shirts. God has been watching over me after all. I just never noticed.

I hope God hears my prayers for you. I hope you find what you lost and find your way to heaven...

I hope you find what was lost and find your way to heaven...

The Prodigal Son, begging for forgiveness from his father. I felt like this tonight.

Valentines and Relationships

Well I haven't posted in a while, now have I?

Firstly I'd like to wish the few people that view this blog a very happy Valentine's Day. May it be a helluva lot better than mine is. I truly hope you readers out there can spend it with someone, as opposed to me rushing work and playing video games cuz I'm a lonely bastard.

Now I came to a realization just this morning.
Like most people, I'd like a relationship. I'd like to not be this lonely, especially on a day like Valentine's Day, where every happy couple is out and about being happy and I'm sitting in a secluded corner thinking "Well, maybe next year..." every year.

But this morning, I came to the realization that maybe... maybe I'm not ready for one.

Think about it, I'm insecure and I can sometimes get too attached to a person too fast because of it.
I'm annoying. That's pretty self-explanatory.
I'm weird and awkward. I honestly think that is the biggest reason why people don't really like me and why I don't get along with people.

I honestly hate that I'm so unstable, I wish I was ready for a relationship cuz that's what I really want.

But I'm not.

I'm not ready for it. Plain and simple.

I honestly don't think I could make anyone happy. I'm too caught up in hating myself to love someone else anyways. I'm an ugly and annoying dipshit anyways.

So happy Valentine's Day to all you happy couples, and to the single people like me, maybe you'll get lucky next year :)

I'm sorry...

This picture says so much of what I feel...

I met a real hero...

Recently, I began to talk to someone on Twitter.

Hearing about her past and her problems makes me ashamed of my own problems.

She has an uneasy past, multiple problems and her days are spent in pain. But I can't help admiring her. Despite all the times she's been knocked down, she has gotten up every single time. And I think she is so strong. Brave, strong and just plain amazing, for what she does. Not only does she keep fighting every day, but she helps encourage others along the way. It makes my problems seem so insignificant and petty, I feel like such a whiny ingrate for complaining and getting upset over such matters when she is someone with real problems and she carries herself so much better than I do. She is a real hero. She is strong, brave and despite being through so much, finds in it herself to help others facing similar problems. I won't reveal too much because it is not my place to say any of it. But what I can say is that I admire this girl so much for having the strength to carry on despite everything.

Em, if you're reading this, I don't know if you read my blog, I mean it is there on my twitter profile, I just want to say that you're amazing. You're a real inspiration to me, and I bet you would be to a lot of people if you let them hear your story. In spite of everything, you're still helpful, kind with your words, friendly and all in all a great person. I'm always here if you need me and if anyone hasn't said it, I will. I'm so glad you're still here today :)

Never give up hope. Hope for a brighter future and a better tomorrow.

For anyone that needs it

Fallen Angels

Fallen Angels. Not demons, just brilliant beings with a lot of regrets.

I've always had some... affinity for these beings. I don't know why. I always believed myself a good person, but lately I've begun to question that. Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. But I digress. Lately, I've been a lot darker and a lot less happy than before. I can understand how a fallen angel feels, cuz I feel like one right now. I was so much better in the past. A lot happier, a lot stronger, a lot brighter, a lot more everything.

I'm darker now. Angrier, sadder, always doubting myself. I always put myself down, think of myself as practically worthless and absolutely useless.

Unwanted, a burden, despised and disliked, hated even. Not just by anyone, but by everyone. Even friends. I feel like I'm a burden. Dead weight that they would be happier and lighter and better off without. Without me in their lives...

I feel like a fallen angel.

This picture says a lot. I just... I don't even know why, but I can feel the pain and regret in it.

Maybe I can find my redemption some day?

Or maybe I've become the demon I've been fighting all this time?

I honestly don't know who I really am anymore.

Running

I just want to run. Run away from everything.

Run away from the responsibilities.
Run away from the changes.
Run away from the depressing cloud hanging over my head.
Run away from the negativity that seems to find me everywhere I go.

Run away from my past.
Run away from my mistakes.
Run away from my failures.

Run away from my friends, they don't deserve to see me like this. Feeling weak and helpless, trapped in a darkness I can't pull myself out of. Angry, frustrated, a total failure and a shell of my former self. They don't deserve to see all this. They really don't. They deserve the me that I used to be. Strong, positive, confident, still not bright or talented but at least I had the right attitude and that was enough to pull me through most things.

All I see now when I look in the mirror is a mistake. A screw up who makes all the wrong choices and can't deal with it now.

I say I wanna run to see who would follow me, the truth is I KNOW no one would follow me, so I just want to run so I can sit in a dark corner and not be a bother to everyone around me. I know I can't do anything right, I know I can never be good enough to achieve anything above the bare minimum, sometimes not even then. Please just stop rubbing it in that I'm an utter failure and will probably never amount to anything.

I say I want to be a military man, but I doubt I'll ever be good enough for any position that will let me lead a comfortable life. I'm too stupid to be a proper engineer. I'm a mediocre writer at most, no one will ever hire me for my writing. I can't act for nuts. So what do I have left? What do I have to offer the world?

No talents, no intellect, no physique. I have just about nothing to look forward to in life.

Name one thing, just one reason why I shouldn't just run. Give me one reason that is worth staying for.

If anyone can name one reason that is good enough for me to stay, I will.

CW Journal 3 - Love

Yeah, I know. I wrote a journal about love. What the actual duck right?

I told you guys I'd be omitting the third journal from my blog because it contained some really personal and sensitive stuff that only someone that is really close to me should ever read. The only reason I'm letting my tutor read it is because I know what I write is real. It carries meaning. I have plenty to write about it too. I know she won't show it to my class or anything, so I have no qualms letting her read about these things.

I felt a need to justify omitting this journal, I felt you guys should know why I'm not letting it go public.

Things in that part of my life have always been in tatters and no one person has ever had a full account of what happens in that part of my life. No one but me. I've never told anyone the full story. I've always filled gaps in with little lies, left out big portions of the story, totally omitted entire  days and even people. It's a part of my life that I don't want a lot of people to know about, plain and simple.

It's not a happy part of my life either, I'll put it that way. It has NEVER ended well for me, probably never will either. But that's beside the point.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I suppose I felt I owe you guys an apology for not posting it. Anyways, maybe in time. But for now, I remain mute on this subject.