What if I died...

If I wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anybody care
If my time was up I'd wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I like better
I can never forget 
So don't remind me of it forever (forever)

This song spoke to me in ways I can't even explain.

I had the most bizarre but the most eye opening dream last night.

I always talk about how I think about how it would be if I died. Who would miss me, who would mourn, who would worry, all that. Last night's dream seemed to give me a good idea.

In the dream, I apparently disappear without a trace. I somehow figured that, cuz my family was freaking out and calling anyone and everyone they could. I stood in the middle of my living room as if I was a ghost, watching my family fall apart. I felt my phone vibrating in my hand, I looked down and saw the multitudes of calls. Not all were from my family. Tweets and texts saying things like:

"Where are you?"

"Come back, this isn't funny."

"Please be ok."

"I'm gonna kill you if you don't make it back in one piece."

"Please don't do anything stupid, just come back."

"We miss you."

"What happened to you? Please come back, we're all worried."

If you know me in real life, I'm sure you'll know who is who. Or at least you'll know if it's you I'm talking about. I omitted names and rephrased it all, naturally. But I remember tearing up. I wanted to respond so bad. That I was ok. That I wasn't dead. I wanted to answer the calls that kept showing up. But my phone refused to let me. I remember walking out of my house and over to my neighbour's place. She's my best friend, and I remember watching her freaking out and worrying as much as my mother and sister and grandmother...

The scene warped to a scene of my friends from secondary school. They were debating over going out to search for me. They were phoning up every Tom, Dick and Harry I'd ever known trying to find out who had last seen me.

The scenes flashed past me in a blur, I saw tear-stricken faces, furrowed brows, I heard voices as each scene played through.

"Where did you go..." a short girl stared out the window, another dear friend of mine. I could not see if she was crying or not.

"Dude, where are you? Let us know. Something. Anything." my childhood friend paced his room thinking.

There are so many that I saw that I can't possibly note all of them down. But what I saw truly touched me. I don't know how these people would actually react if this really happened, but what I saw brought an ache to my heart everytime I saw a dear friend worry.

The dream shifted to show my family, with my mother on the phone with someone. She burst out in tears and soon the rest of my family followed. I think we all know what was the news she received on the phone. My body must have been found or something.

So I watched as my best friend and the same friends I saw worry now begin to cry as they heard the news. I love my best friend like family, so watching her suddenly break into tears, it just broke my heart.

Next, I saw my friends gathered around the same table, each had a whiskey in each hand. They held their hands up in a toast. A toast in my name. I saw an empty seat and a whiskey glass, poured with Coke. Just the way I liked it.

The scenes warped, one by one, to each of my friends reacting to the news. Some broke down crying, some thought it was some kind of sick joke (from the school I come from, it isn't much of a stretch, although I was never one to pull a prank like this), some just... went numb. Staring blankly into space as if unable to process the information. Some, mostly the guys, just looked somber and troubled. Like they had trouble accepting this fact.

I was always convinced that my existence in this world made little to no impact on the people I met. I never figured I'd see someone cry because I was gone. I never thought someone could even miss me that much. But there I saw it all, clear as day. It was in a dream, yeah. But I couldn't help feeling touched and very, very heartbroken watching as my friends and family reacted to the news.

One by one, I stood before each of them to say my last words to them. Telling them that I loved them, both friends and family. The family that was always there for me since I was brought into this world, and the family of friends that for some reason chose to stick with me through all my awkwardness, my weird and embarrassing moments, through my tough moments, through my best and my worst and for some reason still stick around me. I honestly don't know what you guys see in me that was worth being around me for all that, but thank you. Cuz I'm pretty sure I'd have done a lot of stupid things without you guys being there for me. Not the good kind either.

I know it was only a dream and I'm probably just imagining all that. If I actually disappeared or kicked the bucket, their reactions wouldn't be so severe and I doubt too many people would cry over me. But it just made me feel... wanted. Missed. Important to someone. Like I mattered. Like I'm not a ghost just passing through everyone's lives and I'm forgotten the second I leave. I'm not a nobody. I don't like the idea of anyone I care about losing sleep over me, but knowing someone would be as worried if I wasn't there one day as I would be if the roles were reversed, it just made me feel... I just didn't feel invisible. I didn't feel like I was irrelevant and I actually mattered to someone.

If I wasn't here tomorrow 

Would anybody care

If my time was up I'd wanna know

You were happy I was there

If I wasn't here tomorrow 

Would anyone lose sleep

If I wasn't hard and hollow

Then maybe you would miss me

I wonder if I'd be missed in reality...